I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
