I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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