im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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