I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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