Say something about gay babies.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
