Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
