I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
