oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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