Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
