so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
