Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
