doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
