he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
