I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
