He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
