the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
