I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
