my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
