I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
