Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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