yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
