my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
