I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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