I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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