i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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