Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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