Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
