i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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