Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I love having hate sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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