I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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