if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
