A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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