did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
