I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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