I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
