that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
