i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
