I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
