I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
