i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
