Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
