i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
