some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
