oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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