can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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