So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
