Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
