just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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