I am in a vortex of obligation.
thus making me awesome and them whores
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
