I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
